I was distressed and disgusted with everything around me, so
i dug myself a grave with a system that as soon as i pull a trigger a box full
of earth would pour over me.
I had attempted suicide before. Once i tried to poison
myself with a handful of sedatives and painkillers but these tranquilizers
seemed ineffective. Then i tried to suffocate myself but couldn’t hold my
breath long enough. Razor and knives seems rather painful. There weren't any
cliff around and hanging myself to death would make me appear like a prisoner.
So i took my father’s gun with a heavy heart and went to the forest to end my
life.
I did not swear to tremble through the whole process. I
thought of not having a chance to say good bye to my near ones or not getting
to party again, but nothing bothered me. I was on a mission. Mission to end my
life. I was lying on the bed of earth. Staring blankly at the irregular patches
of the sky. I slowly put the gun against my head. But to my misfortune my trigger
didn't budged. I pulled the gun harder but instead, the box of sand slashed on
me. From that moment on, it was just me, my life and a box of sand over me.
I had no courage to try to pull the trigger again. What of
the stray of bullet hit my knee instead on my head?? I couldn’t imagine death
so slow where i have to bleed drop by drop.
After my futile attempt to die i realized that the death
wasn't that easy. It is never comforting to know that you are trying to kill
yourself. But i never thought that this would be this hard. However i seem to
be completely infatuated by death, for i was running after it time and again.
Yet every time death has somehow managed to trick me and vanished in to thin
air. I wish i could close my eye so that the beast of my mind will rip open my
trembling pupils to leap out and slice into pieces. Then i shall finally have
my last laugh at the face of death.
Or perhaps an angel will walk through this darkness, and
carry me with her in to the clouds. Or perhaps the devil will pop up beside me
and tie me to his tail and drag me deep underground while i was trying to
recollect the bloody face that i see on my way.
Hmmmm.... i wonder what kind of expression i will have as a corpse.
Will it be whimsical or just plain peaceful?? On the contrary, i have always
desire to die mysteriously, with a grim or a smirk on my face showing my
satisfaction. Perhaps a sly smile telling the mourners that they are foolish if
they are shedding tears over my death.
How does it feel when a bullet penetrates you??? Will my
soul travel the earth or will it hang on some deserted area on a dead tree???
For now, all i can do is laugh at my stupidity. I cannot go back to do the
whole thing again with the better gun. The only sound that comes out of me is
short breath of 'huh' like when a horse hissing when he gets something in his
nose.
Come back to think of it, what am i doing here anyway?? Why
am i trying to burry myself six feet under in such a way that no one will ever
know that what the hell happened to me. Am i so embarrassed of myself that i
had to dig a mausoleum of the woods so that i couldn't console myself in it so
that the world would not be able to see or gag about me?? This is pathetic. I
am such an idiot for putting myself through this.
Someone please wake me!! Tell me it was a nightmare!! Someone
please!!!!
Oh! I would give anything to hear the bird sing. Or to see
the sun shine on the crisp leaves. Is it and crawling over my face or it is my
fear?? I bet my fears have reincarnated and multiplied. No i don't want to end
things this way. I cannot believe into
my hype of daftness. There are people in
Africa going through bigger fights. There
is famine, AIDS, war and god knows what else. Still they are clinging on dearly
to their lives and fighting for their survival every minute. And here i am a head strong 24 years old from
a well to do family, who hasn’t even faced a real challenge of life yet, but
has developed a urgency of death. What’s wrong with me??? I need to
repriotrise. i deserve a second chance.
Dear life please don’t leave me. Hang on with me a little longer. I will get us out of here. I will be nicer and smarter this time. Oh god
save me.
Crying would be useless in the middle of nowhere, so again
and again i shift from right to left hopping to see sun shine and smile to it
to thank for this truly precious gift called life. "BANG" there goes
my effort in vain. The hot metal is creeping through my chest. I rest back with
a surprise look on my face. There was no cry, no soreness, in fact not a single
utterance from me.........
I just felt cold.........................
